I have decided to rush along, run along…and finish up the notebook transcription for what it is worth. What can be said? what can I say, except that mingled with my reading of the notebook are those sort of things that happen. My tolerance seems to be waning. There is the same man that makes me nervous–he is indigent, and I see him regularly. I wish to be tolerant and open hearted. But I do not like that stare. It is like the stares of J. who is, most likely, still locked up, who was harmless, but uncomfortable making; but with this man, it is out there where all we do is ruled by propriety, or not. But in a coffee shop, or on the street.
This conflated, and other things too, like those you love slipping away. Someone who vanished from one day to the next, although I should have seen it coming. A vanishing tied up with the changes in the brain
When the hurlyburly’s done
The notebook is about memory. And about mind. Its mind and my mind, and your mind now. And so is she.
In a week or so we go to CA–will there be snow here when we leave? That might make me sad. I am going visit my quail and will start up the field diaries again. So it will be good to finish the notebook transcription. I will also be collecting artifacts and shipping them home (old shoes and cans). [it is just what we need in our basement, after all].
The next two pages: (they are ripped, RP stands for a part that is ripped away)
The first page:
[RP]esribe Sherry’s Baby[baby underlined]
He’s taking up space
in a land fill.”
Her first Grandson.
“I Didn’t want to be a a Grandmother yet”
[Two gravestones at the bottom in blue:]
Little James Martin Littleton July 1-71. 9-11-71
Jame Martin Littleton 9-11-37, 11-21-71
[In between is a oblong shape in brown with a blue oval at the top, crossed out in blue]
[make of that what you will, there are ways of saying things to hide the grief]
The next page
it is in three colors aqua, peagreen and magenta–I will indicate the color of the following text with A, P and M respectively
[A]I Remember the [RP]
about 3:30 in the morning [RP]
chan[illegible]ls Denny, and Jerry Al
came in through the Back
Bring in lots of food
grostoris [here is the smiley face of a odd person] [P] then
started to [illegible] [here is the body] screw
all the windows closed
And moved the kitchen table to
Block the back Door Closed
[sketch of what may be a window and people] [M]then they showed mom
[more of the sketch] and practiced on how and
[more of the sketch]were to stab Dad. then
[more of sketch]they Blocked the front
[more of the sketch]Door only so it will open
up a little way. a foot. then they
kralled out sherry’s window
and mom [illegible] faked to
And that is all there is.
Althought the following pages may have had writing once, it is gone now.
[When the chills are gone, is she gone now, is all I can think]